I declare this my little venting place from here on out. None of you narcissists truly listen anyway and I’d much rather write about stuff than talk. It must be the introvert in me.
My life is going pretty well. I probably shouldn’t complain (I’ve got a job and a car, going places ya know?) But this is my fuckin blog and I’ll complain all I want.
So. Where to start. I’m almost 23 and still have yet to begin my education. I only make $8 an hour. I am a fuckup. A huge fucking fuckup. The owner of the restaurant I work at is fucking 23 and makes me feel like a flea in comparison (financially, not physically I’m like 2 feet taller than this dude.) Anyway enough about my job, it already consumes a majority of my time these days.
Then there’s the fact that I’m still completely fucked emotionally and sexually thanks to my bastard ex. Yeah I played a role in the demise of that relationship but god fucking damnit he still makes me want to punch him in his beautiful face then have him fuck me senseless… when will it all just go away? I’m pretty sure he’s doing just spiffy so why does our past still have a hold on me? In the past 2 years I’ve rejected god knows how many potential relationships because I’m absolutely disgusted with the idea of giving myself completely to anyone else…
…except for him. We’ll call “him” “Jekyll/Hyde.” Jekyll/Hyde is the only human being since my ex that turns me on and makes me go primal. He’s so beautiful. And he’s also my sociopath best friend who is too fucking insane to admit he’s in love with me. I love everything about him… even his insane side. When he told me he might have to move far away I started crying on the middle of the dance floor in the club. I didn’t give a fuck what those people thought, I was going to lose the only one who could ever replace the one that got away.
Another thing about Jekyll/Hyde is, well… we’ve actually never had sex. Just foreplay. It took me a year just to get him to kiss me. Funny thing is, when we first started hanging out it was only 2 months since my split with the bastard. Jekyll/Hyde tried hitting on me constantly to test me. See if I was chick friend material. I guess because I rejected him we became best friends. But then one day I looked at him and saw how beautiful he truly is. And my mind changed that day. I wanted to be more than best friends. I swear its the weirdest situation ever. He’s terrified of commitment but every time I try to give someone else a chance he seduces me and makes me forget the other person completely. Thing is when I “try” to give someone else a chance it’s all pretend. I’ll act like I’m interested then become disgusted with that person and stop talking to them. It’s a vicious cycle.